


Five Stages of Grief

by Sandyclaws68



Series: Grieving Process [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Developing Relationship, First Meetings, Gen, Maybe something more than platonic?, Partners-in-crime Kidge, Platonic Kidge, Post-Kerberos Mission, Pre-Series, There will be a sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 23:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12994617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandyclaws68/pseuds/Sandyclaws68
Summary: There are five stages to the grieving process, but when you're consistently lied to about your brothers' "deaths" you might just get stuck inanger.





	Five Stages of Grief

“Katie, if you don't get down here in the next five minutes we're going to be late!” Colleen Holt's voice rang out through the entire house.

Sitting in the dark of her bedroom with only the blue-ish light of the computer monitor illuminating her face Katie rolled her eyes. She had been resisting the idea of this memorial service every time her mother brought it up, refusing to believe that her father and brother were actually gone. _Lost in space_ the official announcement had said. _Crash caused by pilot error_ was the final conclusion.

It was all bullshit, and now she had proof.

“KATIE!”

With a growl she put her computer to sleep and dashed across the room to find her shoes before clattering down the steps at top speed. Her mother was waiting for her with a glare that normally had the power to freeze Katie's blood, but on that day she barely noticed.

Colleen looked at the ink stain on the sleeve of her daughter's dress and tutted. Under normal circumstances she would have insisted that Katie change her clothes, but they were already running late. And as much as she hated the entire machinery and bureaucracy of the Garrison right now was not the best time to antagonize them.

“Remind me again why we're doing this?” she asked her mother.

Colleen sighed. “We're doing this because the Garrison made the offer and at this point in time getting on their bad side is not the best idea.” She held up a hand when Katie opened her mouth to respond. “I'm in full agreement with you on this, Kathryn, but we have to be practical. Above all else we need that right now. Can you do that for me?”

Swallowing down her instinctive protest and ignoring the guilt that was twisting her stomach Katie nodded, then followed her mother out to the car. She was silent for most of the drive, answering only in monosyllables to every question her mother posed. Most of her brain was absorbed in thinking about the pictures she had found just before leaving the house; she very much wanted to talk about it with Colleen, but doing so would mean admitting how she had acquired them. Which had been done illegally and would cause all sorts of other problems, so keeping the information to herself seemed like the best idea.

She felt her shoulders tense up as soon as the car passed through the gates of the Garrison. The last time she had been there was the day before the mission launch, a day that had been celebratory. Now it was all about mourning. Premature and completely unnecessary mourning, she knew, but the facade would be maintained. If there was anything the Garrison was truly good at it was faking.

Colleen shut the car off and laid a hand on her daughter's arm. “I know you're going to hate every minute of this,” she quietly said, not meeting Katie's eyes. “I'm going to hate it just as much. But we can get through it together, right?”

Katie nodded as tears welled up in her eyes, and threw her arms around her mother's shoulders. With that agreement sealed between them they marched inside, heads held high.

 

****~**~**~**~**~****

 

The memorial service was as uncomfortable as expected, and the reception held afterwards even more so. It didn't take very long for Katie to get separated from her mother; in fact it happened so quickly and smoothly that she briefly entertained the idea that the Garrison's command had orchestrated it all. She had a death grip on a glass of orange juice the entire time, carefully guarding her tongue as she was forced to engage in meaningless chatter with a succession of officers, all offering their most heartfelt condolences on the deaths of her father and brother.

She was a little worried the glass would not survive one more such encounter when she became aware of a commotion on the other side of the room. In the way that all crowds had the people moved apart at just the right moment, revealing a boy just a little bit older than her, with dark hair and eyes that were nearly violet. He was dressed in the uniform of a Garrison underclassmen and his posture was so rigid it looked like he would snap in half at any moment. When Commander Iverson laid a hand on his shoulder he angrily shook it off, turning the full force of his glare on the older man. “Don't touch me!” he all but snarled as he stalked away. His eyes met Katie's for a brief instant, widening in recognition, before he disappeared in the crowd.

She stood dumbstruck for just long enough for him to disappear, then she shook herself out of the stupor and crossed the room, rudely pushing people out of the way, trying to follow. She couldn't see him any more, but there was only one exit on this side of the room, and when she burst through the door mere moments later she wasn't surprised to see him, standing a short ways down the hallway, and apparently waiting for her. When she was close enough he reached out and grabbed her hand, tugging her down the corridor and into the first unlocked room he found.

Which turned out to be a janitor's closet, unfortunately, but Katie barely noticed, caught by a pair of intense, violet eyes. A long, breathless moment passed as she was assessed. And apparently found acceptable because he suddenly relaxed as his breath escaped him in a sigh.

“You're Commander Holt's daughter, right? Matt's little sister. I saw you the day of the launch.”

Katie nodded, finally realizing why he had looked so familiar. “You were with Shiro. Uh. . . I mean Captain Shirogane,” she blundered, feeling her cheeks start to burn. “I'm sorry, but I don't know your name.”

“It's not important.” He stuck out one hand to shake hers, and between being in a broom closet and the fact that he hadn't introduced himself the gesture struck her as thoroughly incongruous. She started to laugh even as she placed her hand in his.

“It's a pleasure, 'not important'. I'm Katie, but if you know Matt at all you've probably heard him refer to me as Pidge.” She scowled slightly. “A nickname I hate, by the way, so don't even think about using it.” She glanced around at their surrounding, pushing a mop handle back seconds before it would have fallen on his head. “And while I'm definitely enjoying the ambiance I have a feeling you dragged me to this closet for a reason.”

He flushed, but didn't back away from her gaze. “I. . . Uh. . .” He sucked in a deep breath. “I don't think any of this happened the way they claim,” he blurted out. “I don't believe it was 'pilot error' that caused the crash, and I don't -”

“There wasn't a crash.”

He started at the harsh anger audible in her voice. “What?” He shook his head as if to clear it of static. “Wait, WHAT?”

Katie nodded. “I hacked into NASA's imaging system. There's no wreckage of any kind on Kerberos, therefore there wasn't a crash. I don't know what, exactly, happened, but the Garrison is lying about that, at least.” She bit down on her lower lip when she felt tears threatening and decided to keep herself focused on the issue at hand. “I should add that this isn't absolutely, one hundred per cent certain. NASA's imaging isn't state of the art, but if I could get into the Garrison's systems and access the video from the probes -”

“How would you do that? What would you need?” he asked, interrupting her.

“What do you mean?”

He took a deep breath and pushed one hand through his hair. “If you can prove that they're lying I want to help. Every time I hear someone talk about 'pilot error' causing the crash I just get so -” His hands clenched into fists at his side. “They want to blame Shiro, and I know it's just not true. Not. . .” His words ended in a choked off sound, like he was fighting back a sob. “Shiro was the best pilot this place has ever seen,” he went on in a whisper, “and he wouldn't have made the kind of rookie mistake that they're claiming. If you can clear his name I'll help you however I can.”

Katie was beyond surprised and she knew it showed in her expression. “You. . . You can't help me,” she protested. “If I'm caught it'll be no big deal, but you could get kicked out of school!”

“I don't care.”

“Well, you should! What would Shiro tell you if he was here?”

His eyes widened and a flush climbed up his cheeks. It seemed like he wouldn't respond for a long, drawn out moment, then his soft voice sounded, almost making her jump. “He'd tell me to pursue the truth, no matter what. That justice was the most important end, and if I can serve that I'll know I did the right thing, no matter the consequences.” He met her gaze directly, the unusual color of his eyes a little disconcerting. “What would Matt tell you?”

Blinking back tears Katie dropped her eyes. “He'd say the same thing.” Her reply was barely audible, but when she lifted her face her expression was one of pure determination. “Let's do it.”

 

****~**~**~**~**~****

 

Katie put the first part of the plan into action the morning after the memorial service at the Garrison. She had set her alarm for an hour earlier than normal and spent most of that time debating which symptoms to go with, hoping to hit on the perfect combination to convince her skeptical mother that she was ill. Dizziness was always a good bet, since it was fairly easy to fake and difficult to confirm. And it wouldn't even be an outrageous lie; her research the previous evening had listed intermittent dizziness as a symptom of fatigue, and she was definitely suffering from that.

A noise from down the hall grabbed her attention; her mother was up and talking to the dog. Time to put the plan into action. She left her room and moved down the hall, deliberately bumping into one of the walls and carefully holding on to the banister as she descended the stairs. At the bottom she took a deep breath. “Mom?” she called out, hoping that the quaver in her voice wasn't too much.

Colleen appeared in the doorway between the kitchen and living room and Katie tightened her hand on the banister. “What's wrong?” her mother asked, eyes tracking down and then back up to her face.

“I. . . I'm feeling kind of light-headed and dizzy,” she whispered, letting go of the banister and taking a faltering step forward. She took another unsteady step, pressing one hand to the wall and the other to her temple. “Everything's just. . . kind of fuzzy.”

Colleen moved closer and all but pushed Katie into one of the living room chairs, pressing the back of her hand to the girl's forehead. “You don't have a fever,” she mused, tilting her daughter's face up toward the lamp. Katie didn't have to fake the wince when the bright light hit her eyes. “Your eyes are red; have you been staying up too late?”

Katie shook her head. “Not intentionally, but I haven't really been sleeping well since. . . you know.” She felt tears start to well in her eyes.

Colleen's face immediately creased in sympathy and she bent to kiss her daughter's forehead. “Okay, I can understand that. Stay home from school today and try to get some rest. If it's still an issue later this week we'll go to the doctor and maybe see about some sleeping pills, all right?”

With a nod Katie rose to her feet, remembering to waver a little, before taking hesitant steps towards the staircase. She knew her mother was trying to help, but the best medicine right now would be to discover exactly what happened to the Kerberos mission. And as much as she hated it for the time being lying to her mother was a necessary evil.

“Drink some water before you lay down!” The command wafted up the stairwell, then the front door closed with a thud. She waited, counting slowly to sixty, than again, before dashing down the steps and looking out the window in time to see her mother's car disappear around a bend in the road. She ran back up the steps and snatched her cell phone off the desk in her room, typing out a quick message.

**< coast all clear let me know**

**when you're ready >**

She didn't expect a response right away because he had told her that he had class first thing in the morning so she jumped when the phone buzzed in her hand.

**< early class canceled**

**at breakfast now**

**give me 40 mins >**

She sent back a simple thumb's up in acknowledgment and raced to get in the shower. In record time she was dressed and ready to go, making her way to the garage and a piece of equipment that nobody had touched since Matt had left for Kerberos. She tugged the tarp off of the scooter, jumping when the helmet fell and clattered on the floor. With a quick prayer that the thing would start she straddled the seat and strapped on the helmet, then inserted the key she had lifted from Matt's room.

The scooter started with gratifying quickness, and Katie breathed out a sigh of relief as she opened the garage door. She was thankful Matt had taught her how to operate the machine, even though it was against their mother's wishes, so she was able to get it out of the garage and close the door behind with a minimum of fuss. In less time than she expected she was on the road to the Garrison.

She found the rocky outcropping that he had told her about and parked the scooter behind it, out of sight of the facility's main gate, then followed the path around the rocks, emerging from their shadows less than fifty yards from the Garrison's fence and near one of the auxiliary gates. And, just like what was promised, he was waiting on the inside of the gate.

“You're late,” he grumbled as he deactivated the gate's security panel and opened it. “I've been waiting nearly five minutes; I could have been spotted by a patrol.”

Katie slipped inside as quickly as she could, knowing that the longer the security protocols were interrupted increased their risk of discovery. And her partner in crime was already taking huge risks to help her. “What the heck is your name, anyway?” she asked as they made their way towards the kitchen entrance.

“Why?” He shot her a suspicious glance.

She grinned. “It might be handy to know the name of the person I get stuck in the Garrison's brig with.”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “We won't be in the brig together. First of all, the Garrison is an air force organization and 'brig' is a naval term, and second of all I'm the only one of us subject to military discipline so I'd be in there all by my lonesome. And it's Kogane, for the record.”

Katie's eyes widened when he said he'd be the only one detained and she opened her mouth to protest, but he held up a hand. “Just prove to me that you are as good, and as fast, as you claimed and nobody has to worry about being in a detention cell, all right?”

“You get me in to Iverson's office, with access to the Garrison's mainframe, and I'll more than prove it.”

Kogane nodded as they arrived at the delivery entrance. He entered the access code on the panel and the garage door slid up noiselessly. Katie was impressed.

“How do you know all of these codes?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I'm. . . uh. . . not at my best with a lot of my peers, so I've become more-or-less friends with the housekeeping and food service staffs. None of them ever asked me why I was so curious about the gate and door controls.” They were inside and he activated the control to shut the door, then turned back to her. “From here on out things get a bit more difficult,” he said. “Just stay behind me and do whatever I do.”

Katie was confused by that command, but the why became clear once they passed out of the kitchen and into one of the corridors occupied by staff offices. Kogane dropped down to his hands and knees and crawled past the staff common room and its large windows. Katie hesitated for just a second before following, feeling awkward but recognizing the necessity.

At the next hall crossing the ducked behind a pair of trash cans as two upperclassman passed by, talking in overly loud voices about the sexual experience one of them claimed to have had with a female instructor. Katie mimed gagging herself and caught the tiniest flash of a smile on her companion's face before he slipped out from the hiding place and darted around the corner with her at his heels. They stopped in front of Iverson's office, which was unlocked, much to Katie's surprise.

“He thinks his reputation is security enough,” Kogane explained, “and no student would dare enter his office without permission.”

“Good thing I'm not a student, then.” With her hand on the knob Katie looked up and met his eyes. “You stay outside and far enough away for plausible deniability if anything happens.”

“I can't do that!”

“You can and you will. You already said it; if I'm caught I won't really be in trouble, but the consequences for you could be disastrous.” She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “I'll be okay, you'll see.” And she slipped inside the office before he could say another word.

 

****~**~**~**~**~****

 

It took longer than she had anticipated to get access to the video records from the Garrison probes, but as soon as the first one started to play she bit back a cry of triumph. The NASA images had shown no wreckage on Kerberos, but the videos showed more. Or less, depending on your point of view.

Namely no evidence of any kind that a crash occurred. No gash on the landscape, no debris, just nothing. The same barren, icy moon that was visible in records from probes sent before the mission. She was getting set to compress and email the files to herself when the lights in the room came up and she gasped, backing away from the desk as she raised her face to the enraged gaze of Commander Iverson.

“You again?!” he all but shrieked. “Get off my computer! How did you get past the guards?”

Katie felt her chin lift in a defiant gesture. “You said the spacecraft went down due to pilot error,” she began, grateful that her voice was steady. “But I saw the video feeds from your probes and there's no evidence of a crash anywhere on Kerberos.”

Iverson's brows drew together and a scowl drew the corners of his mouth. “Those feeds are classified! I could charge you with treason for hacking into them!” He stepped forward and grabbed her arm in a bruising grip, pulling her out from behind the desk.

“Where's my family?!” Katie exclaimed as the door opened, grunting as he dragged her out into the hall, maintaining his hold on her as he did. A nearby security guard responded to the commotion, surprise all over his face when he saw what was going on.

“Escort Miss Holt off the premises,” Iverson ordered, finally releasing her arm and pushing her toward the guard, “and make sure every guard knows she's never allowed on Garrison property again!”

Katie swallowed hard; she hadn't expected that, especially given she was a prime candidate for admission as a student. But she couldn't dwell on it, because she caught a flash of movement behind the guard, glossy dark hair and violet eyes coming into view. Any second either Iverson would notice or Kogane would open his mouth and make things worse for both of them, so she did the only thing she could.

“You can't keep me out!” she shouted, forcing Iverson's attention back to her. “I'll find the truth; I'll never stop!”

As the guard dragged her away she heard a muffled conversation, and then Iverson dismissed Kogane, convinced that the cadet was not involved in whatever had happened. And Katie breathed an inaudible sigh of relief.

 

****~**~**~**~**~****

 

At home that evening Katie confessed everything to her mother, fighting back tears as she did. Colleen kept silent through the recital, not offering any kind of opinion or chastisement. When it was all over she pushed hair away from her daughter's face and cupped her cheek, wiping away a few stray tears.

“Go to bed and get some rest, Pidgeon,” she whispered, deliberately using Katie's old, childhood nickname. “We'll talk – really talk – about this in the morning.”

“Umm, am I not in trouble?”

“I didn't say that,” Colleen chuckled, giving her head a shake. “But that will keep.” She kissed her daughter's forehead. “Everything will keep until the morning.”

With a last sniffle Katie turned away from her mother and climbed the stairs, feeling like her body was made of lead. She went about her bedtime rituals of face washing, teeth brushing, and pajama donning in something of a trance. She knew she was facing some pretty serious consequences for her actions (her mother rarely did punishments in half measures) but she could console herself with the fact that Kogane hadn't gotten caught in any of it.

She was greeted the next morning with all of her favorite breakfast foods and word that her mother had already called her school. “I shouldn't have insisted you go back so soon,” Colleen said. “Grief is not an easy, or short, process.” She smiled slightly into her coffee cup. “Even when you don't really believe your loved ones are dead.”

Katie fidgeted in her seat as she chewed a slice of bacon. There was a question she needed to ask her mother, but she wasn't sure of how she should do it. “Mom, I. . .” She swallowed hard. “Mom, I need to know; do you believe Matt and Dad are dead?”

Colleen sighed and set her cup down. “Honestly? I don't know. And by that I mean I don't know for a fact.” She looked up and met her daughter's gaze with an intensity that shocked Katie. “But all of my instincts tell me no, they're not dead. And now you say you can prove that there was never a crash on Kerberos. . . well, I trust you more than the Garrison.”

A blush started to climb her cheeks. “I can't 'prove' it,” Katie whispered. “I got caught before I could download any of the video feeds.” She sighed. “I could probably hack into them again, but it'd be much more difficult and take a lot longer. I had direct access to the Garrison's mainframe before, but now. . .” She laughed a little at her mother's nod of agreement. It was surreal to be sitting there, over a delicious breakfast, and discussing illegal activities with her mother.

Colleen must have sensed why Katie was laughing because she chuckled and shook her head. “Under ordinary circumstances I wouldn't be okay with this, but I think we can consider this to be somewhat extraordinary.” She got to her feet and started to clear the table, her daughter imitating her. Silence reigned in the kitchen while they cleaned up, and once that task was finished they moved to the living room, sitting close together on the sofa, Colleen holding her daughter close.

“Mom, I'm so ashamed,” Katie all but sobbed. “I ruined any chance I have of attending the Garrison, of following in Dad's and Matt's footsteps. I'm. . . I'm such a disappointment.”

“Kathryn, listen to me,” Colleen began, pushing Katie away from her so they could look at each other directly. “You are not a disappointment, and if your father and brother were here right now they'd tell you the same thing. You did what you had to do to stand up for something you believed in, and that is never wrong. Never.”

Katie flashed back to the conversation she had had with Kogane, about what their respective brothers would think of them if it came down to the worst. Well, it had for her, and she knew that Matt would support her every action. It only made her feel a little better, though, since her last chance to find the truth about what had happened was gone along with it.

“Katie, I want you to continue trying to prove the truth of what happened,” her mother said in the quiet that had fallen. “I know you said it would be harder, but still possible, and you should do whatever you can.” She smiled and tapped one side of her nose. “I may have a few ideas that could help.”

 

****~**~**~**~**~****

 

It was nearly two months later before Katie learned what her mother had been talking about. She had spent some part of every day since then working on trying to get through the Garrison's computer security, but with no luck so far. It was frustrating in the extreme, and she was even contemplating texting Kogane (who's number was still saved in her phone) and making another attempt to sneak on to the campus. But the spectre of jail time hovered over that idea, so he remained untexted.

She was in the kitchen cooking dinner when her mother came home from work with an accordion file stuck under one arm and what could only be called a conspiratorial grin on her face. “What's all this, then?” she asked Colleen, turning down the heat beneath the spaghetti sauce so it wouldn't scorch.

“This, my darling girl, is your way back in.” And Colleen held out the file, watching as Katie took it in her hands tentatively, as if it might explode. She flipped it open and pulled out the first sheaf of papers, eyes widening as she read.

“Mom, this. . .”

“I know, it's crazy, but necessary,” Colleen began.

The first document Katie read was a birth certificate for a Pidge Gunderson, male, born the same day as her, to Commander Alan Gunderson (USN) and his wife Beatrice. Underneath that was a school transcript from a base school at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, showing young Pidge at the top of his junior high class with special recognition in science and mathematics. Three letters of recommendation followed, one from the congressman for that district in Florida.

The second pocket of the accordion file had a copy of a Galaxy Garrison admissions form, filled out in the name of Pidge Gunderson, and a notarized copy of the same school transcript as before. There was also an acceptance letter, stating that the Garrison would be pleased to welcome Mr. Gunderson with the other attendees of the next admitted class.

“You're going back to the Garrison, and I don't care that I had to break a few laws to make it so,” Colleen declared, her voice husky with unshed tears. “You'll get the proof we need and once we expose the truth the search for Sam and Matt can begin.”

“Mom, I. . .” Katie sniffed and threw her arms around Colleen's neck. “I won't let you down, I promise.”

_**One year later. . .** _

Katie passed Shiro with a nod of acknowledgment as she walked toward the rising sun and the body standing silhouetted against it. She wasn't sure how to approach the coming conversation, but she knew it needed to be had if for no other reason than keeping the truth of her identity a secret.

“I almost didn't recognize you,” he said, breaking the silence and startling her. “But I suppose that was mainly do to the unusual circumstances.”

“Seeing you wasn't exactly what I expected either,” Katie replied with a quiet laugh. “And I never knew your first name, so when Lance ranted about 'Keith' I was utterly clueless.”

Keith was smiling when he turned to face her. “I guess you've gotten over your hatred of being called Pidge.”

She shrugged. “It was necessary.”

“And I take it that Lance and Hunk have no idea.”

“No, they don't, and I need it to stay that way. Please.” She felt her face start to burn. “If we go back to the Garrison I'll still have to be Pidge Gunderson.” She laughed without humor. “Mind you that's a pretty big 'if'; I doubt the three of us will have escaped this evening unrecognized.”

He waved a hand. “Don't worry. Getting kicked out of the Garrison is no big deal, trust me.”

There was a pause, a moment of silence, and then they both burst out laughing. It felt surprisingly good to just let go like that, a release of month's of pent-up tensions. Katie liked the way laughter transformed Keith's face from the scowl she had first seen months ago to an open, joyful expression. But it also made her feel a bit sad, because part of his joy was in having Shiro back. Her laughter started to fade and then stopped completely, to be replaced by a sudden rush of tears.

Seeing the change in her Keith hesitated before wrapping her up in an awkward hug, not quite sure what to do with his arms. “I'm sorry,” he whispered against her hair. “I shouldn't be so happy when your father and brother are still out there somewhere -”

She shook her head, halting his words. “It's okay. Seeing Shiro gives me hope; I'll discover what happened to Dad and Matt and bring them home.”

His arms tightened around her. “You won't have to do it alone, I can guarantee that.” When he released her both their faces were red, and they each carefully took a step back from the other, turning to head back to the shack where everyone else was waiting.

“Soooo, kicked out for discipline issues, huh?” Katie asked

Keith chuckled. “No, kicked out for trying to hack Iverson's computer.”

“Really?!”

“Really.”


End file.
